In an attempt to stop racist bigots dead in their tracks, 64-year-old Nathan Philips is refusing to be pigeonholed into the tired mold of “Wise Old Native American Chieftain.”
“I became fed up with people’s prejudiced attitudes about people like me years ago,” said the valor-stealing, regularly AWOL refrigerator mechanic, “so I decided to take a stand.”
Although he was never particularly sage, Philips says, he made a choice to break free from “society’s oppressive expectations” by taking things in the complete opposite direction.
“I started abusing as many psychedelic drugs as I could get my hands on, and I abandoned truth and common sense almost entirely. Whatever wisdom I had I replaced with conspiratorial nonsense and opinions on energy and the environment that any seventh grader could disprove with a quick Google search. Finally, I ditched the bits of my personality that were warm and stoic, and I focused on developing a petulant and entitled persona in their place.”
While Philips says he has succeeded in making himself a pariah among fellow Native Americans, white liberals and journalists continue to prejudge him based on his immutable characteristics by blindly worshiping the very earth that he walks upon.
“That day in front of the Lincoln Memorial, I tried to get on TV and prove to the world once and for all that enlightenment has failed to reach me. I beat a drum in a kid’s face. I defended racist and homophobic Black Hebrew Israelites. I had my grandson tell those kids to go back to Europe for being white. And the next day, my group and I tried to get into a church to disrupt their prayers with protests.”
When these tactics didn’t pan out, Philips took to the airways.
“And then when I went on TV, I just lied about everything. Every word that came out of my mouth was a lie. I even lied about lying about being a Vietnam War veteran. But those white liberals and journalists kept putting me on a pedestal like I’m Moses or something.”
Philips says this setback had given him some grief, but not enough to halt his mission.
“I figured that I would have to forgo any semblance of nuance to convince white liberals and journalists that I don’t deserve their awkward, culturally-ignorant admiration. So when that Covington Catholic kid tried to set up a summit, I outright refused. And then after he went on TV and looked like ten times the adult that I am, I said that I would meet him, but it would be to teach him a lesson. I thought, come on. Someone acting like me claiming that I would be the educator here? That had to work.”
Philips is disappointed that so many white liberals and journalists continue to paint him with the same glorification forced upon the Native Americans they see in picture books. But as unwise as he is, Nathan Philips has one more trick up his sleeve.
“Next year, I’m gonna join the March for Life and wear a MAGA hat myself. That’ll be sure to get me labeled all kinds of terrible things.”